


Good Clean Fun

by Karios



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Banter, Gen, Shapeshifting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 18:45:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15978224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karios/pseuds/Karios
Summary: The Doctor takes Donna to visit shapeshifters. She seizes the opportunity.





	Good Clean Fun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thisbluespirit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbluespirit/gifts).
  * Inspired by [AU Meme: Donna Noble](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12495240) by [thisbluespirit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbluespirit/pseuds/thisbluespirit). 



> All of these AU snippets were fantastic. This bunny just beat his siblings to the finish line.
> 
> Thanks to Rosefox and the_rck for the betaing help!

It would be unfair to say that turning Donna into a soap dispenser was his greatest regret. The Doctor had a number of regrets across his 900-plus years of life, including several planets he had failed to save. But did it rank up there? Certainly.

Maybe he hadn't personally turned Donna into a sanitizing bathroom fixture, but it was still partially his fault. He was the one who had taken Donna to visit the homeworld of the Ditto collective. The Ditto collective had created a beautiful civilization that had harnessed the power of naturally occurring mutant genes to create on-demand shapeshifting ability as a multi-purpose technology. Its original function was to assist somewhat formless creatures, a bit like Daleks without their shells. Shapeshifting meant they could take forms that would allow them to do more, from better exploring their environments to having more fulfilling interactions with others. Once the medical uses of the technology were firmly established, they encouraged any interested party to use their products as a diplomatic tool: what better way to resolve conflicts than to literally walk a mile in someone else's body? Shapeshifting had fostered a sense of empathy and oneness between the developers’ homeworld and neighbouring planets. In further opening the technology to tourists, the Ditto collective hoped they could spread this goodwill throughout the universe.

Donna seemed the right sort of companion to visit this planet with. She was open to alien technology and uninclined to do anything too terrible with it. He had expected her to try out a couple of changes, then want to be restored to her former self. Instead, she'd had a plan.

“Why here?” he asked, setting up the wet floor sign.

“Why not here?”

“Donna,” said the Doctor. “I can take you anywhere in time and space. The whole universe at your command! And yet you prefer to disguise yourself as a soap dispenser in the ladies’ loo of a TV studio?”

“Hey, I’m getting some quality gossip here,” said the soap dispenser. “Don’t knock it. I could make a mint when you get me home again.”

“That's a terrible waste of highly advanced technology,” the Doctor said, though he wasn't really angry. Collecting gossip was relatively benign. After all, Donna could have installed herself in the gentleman's loo instead.

Donna no longer had a face to pout with, but the Doctor could imagine a pout all the same as the soap dispenser said, “Well, you won't let me use time travel to win the lottery, so I have to be resourceful.”

“Maybe someday,” muttered the Doctor. “Money isn't everything, you know.”

“Says the man who can sonic a money machine any time he likes,” countered Donna.

“I don't make a habit of it.”

“I know,” Donna retorted dryly. Well, as dry as a container full of liquid could be.

The Doctor couldn't think of a quip to respond to that, so he leaned over and depressed the button on Donna instead.

“Oooh,” squeaked Donna, as soap streamed into his palm. This was followed by an indignant “Oi, buy me dinner first!”

“I didn't know,” mumbled a flustered Doctor. He vigorously rinsed his hands under the tap.

As he dried his hands, the soap dispenser elected to end his misery. “I'm just funning you, Spaceman, relax.”

The Doctor couldn't complain about the prank because a woman in an evening dress passed by the open door to the loo. He went back to pushing the mop he'd brought with him, and gestured with his head toward the sign. No one spent too much time looking at a caretaker.

“How long do you plan to stay?” he asked Donna once the coast was clear. He took care to be more quiet than he'd been before. 

“Just until closing,” said the dispenser. “I wouldn't want to hang around here alone overnight.”

The Doctor considered saying it would serve her right, but he wanted her back, so he held his tongue and just harrumphed.

“What?”

“What do you suggest I do all afternoon while you soak up the intimate and inane details of the rich, famous, or marginally important?”

“Why didn't you do any shapeshifting?” asked the dispenser. “Become a kangaroo and hippity hop all over Australia or summat?”

“I've had nearly a dozen bodies already, depending on how you count. It's less appealing after all that to go trying anything—wait, why a kangaroo?”

“They're exuberant. Bouncy. That pouch is just like large pockets. Ready for a fight. And you'd like Australia, plenty of things are still happy to kill you.”

The Doctor momentarily considered being affronted, but there were worse comparisons she could have made. That said, going to Australia was definitely out, even though his driving had improved since that mishap last regeneration. He couldn't risk being late in getting back to collect Donna. He'd be in for the thrashing of his lives.

And oh dear, the soap dispenser was still talking. “Oh, fine. Well, you'll figure something out. It's a handful of hours. What do you do when I'm having a kip?”

The Doctor opted to say nothing, listing his options mentally. Shower. Read. Pace. Tinker. Curse inferior human biology and its proclivity to let humans sleep away a third or more of their painfully short lives. There was some maintenance he'd been meaning to get to, and in spite of what he'd said earlier, maybe he'd turn himself into a sea creature and try a couple of laps in his pool.

“Don't let anyone catch you talking,” he reminded her.

“I'm soap, not daft. I'll be fine,” said the soap dispenser. “Now get a move on. I don't want to miss the post-lunch rush.”

The Doctor finished a last pass to dry the floor, then packed up the cleaning supplies cart. “I'll be back in six hours,” he called from the doorway. “And I don't want any more fuss about it.”

“You won't get any complaint from me,” answered a woman who had presumably been waiting for the caretaker to leave.

“Good.” The Doctor winked at her. “And between you and me, watch out for the soap.”


End file.
